A shoe odyssey

As some of you may know, I am not good on my legs. I can’t stand or walk for more than a few minutes (3 usually.. 5 on a good day). Another thing you need to know is that I am one of the few women on this globe that hates to shop. Part of that is that things in my size are just like unicorns, be it clothing or shoes, even jewellery.

So for the last few weeks, I and the boyfriend had the plan to go shoe shopping for me. While you surely can imagine my unbridled enthusiasm (sarcasm warning) for shopping, I actually was looking forward to that for several reasons. First, I have two pairs of shoes: House shoes (well for inside the house) that are just a piece of fabric with some fake fur inside and that hurt my feet, and street shoes that are 10+ years old and are falling apart. The second reason is a bit longer.

Since I can’t do much in the area of exercise I wanted to start with something that I can do and isn’t too painful. After looking around for a while, I found a mini bike. You can put that thing under the table or on the table if you want to train your arms.

As soon as it arrived I tried it, but my house shoes were too big to fit into the straps and barefoot it hurt after just a few minutes. So I wanted to have sporty shoes for using that. Since my feet hurt with my house shoes I also wanted new ones there, and I recently got a skirt that I wanted to wear but my only shoes for outside are not suitable for that. So I wanted something for this.

We managed to actually be up early enough on Saturday to pull through with the plan. As I had thought, I needed many many breaks, some after only a few meters. As a side note: I had no idea how hard it is to find size 46 (12 1/2) shoes in a men’s section of a shoe store. Altogether the search took several shoe stores and 6 hours of searching, testing, walking and breaking, including dizzy spells and everything else that is ‘Fine’.

As is to be expected I am in a world of pain now. Every muscle, every joint, everything. But at the same time, I am proud of myself, because I didn’t choose the lazy way to stay home, for knowing that I’ll be in pain and still go and do it. For taking breaks when I needed them, for ignoring that I was way over my head. And I am proud of the man of my dreams ™ who bore with me, was patient, helpful at every corner, never lost his humour and in the end also got himself new shoes because his fell apart as well.

Despite the aftermath, I am proud and glad that we got this over with. And as soon as that pain is over, I’ll get new pain, because I really want to start using that Mini bike!

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#big-sizes, #fat, #motivation, #oversize, #overweight, #self-care, #shopping

What happens if you ignore medical everything for years

I’ve been very quiet lately, not only here but everywhere. Partly it was because I got super busy, but also because I got sick and I fought with depression. Now I got a long medical update for you because you know what happens when you don’t take care of anything medical for years? It all piles up like crazy. And now that’s kicking my ass.

It started because I got a weird pain in my leg and it started to look bumpy and red. Me being a hero ignored it and thought it was just some random stuff like I bumped into something or I got a rash because of whatever is in the air here. I thought I can get rid of it myself and tried with mountain pine tonic which is supposed to help with blood circulation or hydrocortisone ointment, putting my legs up, cold and warm wraps and stuff like that. You know the stuff mum tells you to do when your legs hurt. But nothing worked, it got actually worse.

So after about 2 or 3 months I had one day of pain so strong I cried because I couldn’t take it anymore. It hurt when I sat, walked, slept, even when the super thin fabric of my pants brushed over it. It was swollen, hot and painful af. So my plan to go to the doctor if it wasn’t better on Monday, became the order to go the next morning. My doctor took a look and since it was a Friday at 10am she couldn’t take blood anymore. Because that was too risky she sent me to the hospital to make sure it wasn’t thrombosis. Well long story short: after 5 hours in the hospital filled with being prodded, poked and examined I got the diagnosis: Erysipelas. Wohoooo no thrombosis!

That apparently is an acute infection caused by a streptococcus bacteria. That’s what I got for scratching my itching legs, or not being able to reach my feet for proper care and not cleaning the flat (which I wrote to you about before). So I got antibiotics and was ordered to rest my leg (which is hard when you gotta run from doctor to doctor) and to report back to my doctor the following Monday. So I did that and she wanted to draw some blood for a full on blood work because the hospital only had done a partial one to make sure I don’t have thrombosis.

When I got back the results the real work started. The numbers did not look too well. I have a too high cholesterol, my long-term blood sugar is waaaay too high, and whatever blood results show the infection was also still not low enough. So I was sent to a dermatologist for my leg which still hurt despite being MUCH better already. I then had to listen to a lecture about my blood sugar – which I already expected – and my cholesterol. But first things first.

The dermatologist took me off the antibiotics but prescribed compression socks because the weight I put on my legs is not helping the healing process. That was two weeks ago, I am still waiting for the socks. Health insurance has to OK them, which means that takes 10 days if I’m lucky and then because my legs are too big and I am too heavy for regular ones they have to special order them. Measurements were taken really fast, but I wish those things were here already. I am tired of the pain and swollen legs all the time. New bloodwork will be done in about 3 weeks to see how it came about. Until I get these socks I use iodine tincture on my leg to help out with the chance of it getting worse again.

Because of my high sugar results (6.7% – 7.5% is normal Hba1c, which is the long-term measurement, I am at 12.2%) I had to make an appointment with my diabetologist. Next open slot was in January, so I actually got on the search for a new diabetologist, because I seriously couldn’t wait that long. It was too pressing. And I feel super lucky that I have found one. I am going to make an extra post about what happened there because it was actually pretty special. But for now: I am taking care of it.

I also have an appointment for an eye doctor in a month. Haven’t had my eyes checked for like 15 – 20 years. Oh my.

The two weeks full of doctor visits have been exhausting. Not only because they generally are, but also because I had to get up early in the mornings, and walk there which to me is a whole day trip, because I am really bad on foot, even without the hurting leg. And having to go out among people, strangers and such is also exhausting for my anxiety. Right now it calmed down some. And I start to feel accomplished for actually taking care of myself.

Do you take care of yourself? Do you struggle with it? Did you ever have to catch up with all your medical appointments of a 5 year period in 2 weeks? Tell me your story and share your experiences down in the comments!

#doctor, #health, #self-care, #truth

I suck

… and not in the good way. (Yes, I had to, sorry, not sorry.)

Well you might remember my post about excuses and my realization that I’m making them. I still do and more than ever, I think. I have completely dropped off the horse. And I am not actually giving myself reasons, so am I really making excuses? In any way… I have not put anything in my food diary. I have given a damn how much I eat and what and that’s awful. Have I given up?

I hope not, because I have a long way to go and I can’t just give up. I have always been a fighter and I still am. So why does it feel so tempting to just not give a f…fudgesickle? Maybe because it’s easier than to restrain myself and work for it?

Could anyone please move to Berlin and drag myself out on the streets for at least 15 minutes a day so I can at least complain about hurting muscles as a reason not to go out? I have to do something, but I just can’t be arsed. Depression makes it harder and this is not an excuse, it’s actually a fact. I’m having a hard time, but try to ignore it. Just doesn’t make things easier.

I have to give a damn. I have to get back up. I feel the mountain is too big to climb, maybe I’ll start with the first alpine hut instead of the mountain top. No too far… maybe the door of the flat for starters. Then the end of the hallway. Then to the staircase… babysteps. Maybe that’s less overwhelming and scary.

Maybe.

#excuses, #failure, #habits, #health, #motivation, #not-giving-up, #overweight, #overwhelmed, #self-care, #truth, #weight-loss

Still alive, just overwhelmed

For the last two weeks I felt increasingly stressed and overwhelmed by about everything. My to-do list is several kilometers long, I had deadlines haunting me, people wanted all kinds of stuff, discussions became exhausting and on top of all, I’ve got my period and a nasty cold that still bugs me.
All together I felt awful and like I’m watching someone’s life from the outside, but surely not mine. I started to feel detached in an attempt to cope but that only made it worse. So now I’ll try to get back to my old self, while struggling with my stuff.

That will include to restart watching what I eat, because to add that to the rest was really the last thing I needed.

#health, #overweight, #overwhelmed, #self-care, #stress