A shoe odyssey

As some of you may know, I am not good on my legs. I can’t stand or walk for more than a few minutes (3 usually.. 5 on a good day). Another thing you need to know is that I am one of the few women on this globe that hates to shop. Part of that is that things in my size are just like unicorns, be it clothing or shoes, even jewellery.

So for the last few weeks, I and the boyfriend had the plan to go shoe shopping for me. While you surely can imagine my unbridled enthusiasm (sarcasm warning) for shopping, I actually was looking forward to that for several reasons. First, I have two pairs of shoes: House shoes (well for inside the house) that are just a piece of fabric with some fake fur inside and that hurt my feet, and street shoes that are 10+ years old and are falling apart. The second reason is a bit longer.

Since I can’t do much in the area of exercise I wanted to start with something that I can do and isn’t too painful. After looking around for a while, I found a mini bike. You can put that thing under the table or on the table if you want to train your arms.


As soon as it arrived I tried it, but my house shoes were too big to fit into the straps and barefoot it hurt after just a few minutes. So I wanted to have sporty shoes for using that. Since my feet hurt with my house shoes I also wanted new ones there, and I recently got a skirt that I wanted to wear but my only shoes for outside are not suitable for that. So I wanted something for this.

We managed to actually be up early enough on Saturday to pull through with the plan. As I had thought, I needed many many breaks, some after only a few meters. As a side note: I had no idea how hard it is to find size 46 (12 1/2) shoes in a men’s section of a shoe store. Altogether the search took several shoe stores and 6 hours of searching, testing, walking and breaking, including dizzy spells and everything else that is ‘Fine’.

As is to be expected I am in a world of pain now. Every muscle, every joint, everything. But at the same time, I am proud of myself, because I didn’t choose the lazy way to stay home, for knowing that I’ll be in pain and still go and do it. For taking breaks when I needed them, for ignoring that I was way over my head. And I am proud of the man of my dreams ™ who bore with me, was patient, helpful at every corner, never lost his humour and in the end also got himself new shoes because his fell apart as well.

Despite the aftermath, I am proud and glad that we got this over with. And as soon as that pain is over, I’ll get new pain, because I really want to start using that Mini bike!


#big-sizes, #fat, #motivation, #oversize, #overweight, #self-care, #shopping

Doing it again

About a week ago two lovely friends of mine started to help me with this accountability thing. Every day I tell them how I did with my calories and I really don’t want to tell them that I went over. You know how that is with disappointing people you love. That means I started again to fill my food diary every day.

I am not sure how long it took, because my last weigh-in had been sometime in the week before that, but since then until now I have lost 3.5kg. And that makes me super excited!

Yesterday I dyed my hair so my muscles hurt like a mother from standing in that unusual position while bending over the shower to wash out the dye, so I can barely move. But after that I want to start to move again. Well slowly since that already had taken a lot ouf of me. When I walk from here across the hallway to the showers and back I am all powered out. So I’ll start with that hallway at least once a day and gradually step it up. My first goal is to be able to take these walks around the block again, which right now I can’t. And I know that if I start with that now, I will get so frustrated with it and myself that I’ll stop again.

So the start is done. On we go!


#health, #motivation, #overweight, #weight-loss

I suck

… and not in the good way. (Yes, I had to, sorry, not sorry.)

Well you might remember my post about excuses and my realization that I’m making them. I still do and more than ever, I think. I have completely dropped off the horse. And I am not actually giving myself reasons, so am I really making excuses? In any way… I have not put anything in my food diary. I have given a damn how much I eat and what and that’s awful. Have I given up?

I hope not, because I have a long way to go and I can’t just give up. I have always been a fighter and I still am. So why does it feel so tempting to just not give a f…fudgesickle? Maybe because it’s easier than to restrain myself and work for it?

Could anyone please move to Berlin and drag myself out on the streets for at least 15 minutes a day so I can at least complain about hurting muscles as a reason not to go out? I have to do something, but I just can’t be arsed. Depression makes it harder and this is not an excuse, it’s actually a fact. I’m having a hard time, but try to ignore it. Just doesn’t make things easier.

I have to give a damn. I have to get back up. I feel the mountain is too big to climb, maybe I’ll start with the first alpine hut instead of the mountain top. No too far… maybe the door of the flat for starters. Then the end of the hallway. Then to the staircase… babysteps. Maybe that’s less overwhelming and scary.


#excuses, #failure, #habits, #health, #motivation, #not-giving-up, #overweight, #overwhelmed, #self-care, #truth, #weight-loss

The truth hurts

For a long time I have made excuses for many things without even noticing I made them. It began as truthful explanations like that I couldn’t do something because it caused me big pain. It is still true but many times I use it to not even try.

It’s comfortable to have the right reason for not doing something. Because I know the pain that will come when I walk for 2 minutes I don’t even start. Because I think I will fall from the horse I stopped getting up on it’s back.

Two days ago I started writing down my food again. Day 1 went well. Today I went over a little and because of that my mind went all “well now I’m over anyway so I can eat more.” and I did… Another excuse.

It would be so easy just to blame something else. Genetics, other people, medicine, society, sickness,  depression…
Don’t get me wrong. Everything in this list is a valid reason.
But many times it is so much easier to use one of those reasons as an excuse instead of admitting that we fucked up. Which to be honest is really shitty for the times when these reasons are really the reason why things went wrong.

So today I’m standing (who am I kidding, I’m laying in bed) here and say that thing that hurts. The truth. I’m using excuses because I’m scared that if I try, I’ll fail. And not doing something because of fear of failing doesn’t give a damn that it causes auto-fail. It’s illogical like that.

So what to do next? Stop making excuses? Let’s be real. This shit is harder to beat than Muhammad Ali. To be honest, I have no clue. I’m stuck and haven’t the foggiest how to get out. No clue, no control, no anything. So all that is left is keep trying, I guess.

#excuses, #habits, #health, #overweight, #truth, #weight-loss

Fed up

I can’t even tell you how fed up with everything I am. I’m angry at food, calories, the world even though the later isn’t at fault at all. Mostly I’m angry at myself. For having eaten too much for days. For not having restraint and control over my eating habits. For trying and failing all the bloody time…

I want to become better,  healthy and at least a bit thinner but I keep messing it up.

What the hell is wrong with me?

#eating-habits, #failure, #overweight

Mirrors suck

I keep thinking that almost every time I go outside. So first let me say, not all mirrors are the enemy. I have exactly 1 mirror in my apartment, a really small one on face height that I do not see anything but my face in. I like my face mostly so that one can stay.

But when I go outside I walk along a hallway right ahead towards a really big glass front, which shows my reflection as soon as it is dim lit outside. Then the lift to go down has a full wall mirror at the side, and stepping out of it the house door is glass as well.

When I went down to get our mail, I was in the lift two times and gosh I was getting really depressed. To not see that mirror reflection i have to stand with the back to it, facing the operation panel, which usually is not a problem but I often in a reflex stand facing the door and then I see it in the corner of my eye and can’t ignore it. I looked at myself and all I could see was this huge pile of fat. Rolls showed clearly under my shirt, in the back in the front, all around, under my chin, my arms: everywhere.

I honestly felt disgusted by looking at myself. That has not stopped yet, though had been like 4 days ago. Problem is that when I get depressed and disgusted like that, I get obviously emotional and I’m an emotional eater. So the last few days I went a “bit” overboard eating wise again, despite my best intention to watch it again. So much for that.

So those who know that kind of situation know, just as me, that telling me to not do it and that this makes it worse…. it doesn’t work! I know that already. Not saying anything new. That’s the thing. I know all the good things, the benefits, the how tos. But if it were that easy everyone would be healthy and thin. Just saying.

So at the moment I’m still struggling and really do not want to see another mirror in my life.

#failure, #overweight, #weight-loss

Still alive, just overwhelmed

For the last two weeks I felt increasingly stressed and overwhelmed by about everything. My to-do list is several kilometers long, I had deadlines haunting me, people wanted all kinds of stuff, discussions became exhausting and on top of all, I’ve got my period and a nasty cold that still bugs me.
All together I felt awful and like I’m watching someone’s life from the outside, but surely not mine. I started to feel detached in an attempt to cope but that only made it worse. So now I’ll try to get back to my old self, while struggling with my stuff.

That will include to restart watching what I eat, because to add that to the rest was really the last thing I needed.

#health, #overweight, #overwhelmed, #self-care, #stress