… and not in the good way. (Yes, I had to, sorry, not sorry.)
Well you might remember my post about excuses and my realization that I’m making them. I still do and more than ever, I think. I have completely dropped off the horse. And I am not actually giving myself reasons, so am I really making excuses? In any way… I have not put anything in my food diary. I have given a damn how much I eat and what and that’s awful. Have I given up?
I hope not, because I have a long way to go and I can’t just give up. I have always been a fighter and I still am. So why does it feel so tempting to just not give a f…fudgesickle? Maybe because it’s easier than to restrain myself and work for it?
Could anyone please move to Berlin and drag myself out on the streets for at least 15 minutes a day so I can at least complain about hurting muscles as a reason not to go out? I have to do something, but I just can’t be arsed. Depression makes it harder and this is not an excuse, it’s actually a fact. I’m having a hard time, but try to ignore it. Just doesn’t make things easier.
I have to give a damn. I have to get back up. I feel the mountain is too big to climb, maybe I’ll start with the first alpine hut instead of the mountain top. No too far… maybe the door of the flat for starters. Then the end of the hallway. Then to the staircase… babysteps. Maybe that’s less overwhelming and scary.
It was a good day. I was busy most of the time so I did not get bored, which meant no boredom eating. I also felt quite good, which meant no emotional eating. I actually waited until I felt hungry. That’s quite an achievement for me to be honest. I am a big big emotional and boredom eater, so yay.
I’m rather tired now though, so this is only a short post. I feel stuffed like a turkey for thanksgiving – or what I imagine they feel like. Maybe my stomach really gets used to not eating all day.
I just finished putting together my food diary and today ends with 2399 of 2460 calories.
My internet is not yet back, but right now I have the UMTS stick to at least peek in. So during the holidays I did not do my food diary at all. Mainly because it is online and I was never online when I had just eaten and then forgot everything until I was. But I had the feeling that I hadn’t eaten as much as usual.
I’m not sure if that was wishful thinking or actually true, but seeing the results it might have been the later.
Before the holidays I went on the scale and I had gotten an “Error” message. What you need to know is that my scale can weigh up to 200kg (about 441 lbs), so that means I was more than 200kg. When I went on the scale this morning I was at 197.4 (435.2 lbs). So I have lost at least 2.6 kg over a time in which I would have usually gained weight because I had no documentation about how much I am eating.
I am really happy about that, a great way to start the day.
Though I really don’t want to keep being without that documentation for much longer, just to be on the save side. Our router is on the way, so that should be soon!
I don’t know why it is so damn hard to control myself. Million of people do it every day. And I’m here in bed wishing the pillow I drop my head on over and over was made of something much harder than feathers.
Another day of unnecessary eating, filling my stomach with stuff it doesn’t need, because it’s there. Well, I still have to get up and get it. But why do I take this step to the kitchen? Like many times I did my stuff and without thinking go to the fridge open it and even think “Actually I’m full” but still grab food, head back and eat more.
I wasn’t bored or emotional, didn’t feel sad or something, wasn’t hungry…. I don’t understand what is going on in my head.
Today I even forgot to count what I ate afterwards to write it down. So my guesstimate is somewhat around 2700 or so. Not sure.
I’m feeling pretty much like giving it up, since this is how it’s been for months, or more than a year… But I won’t. I’ll go on. One day I’ll get it right. Until then : one step at a time.