A shoe odyssey

As some of you may know, I am not good on my legs. I can’t stand or walk for more than a few minutes (3 usually.. 5 on a good day). Another thing you need to know is that I am one of the few women on this globe that hates to shop. Part of that is that things in my size are just like unicorns, be it clothing or shoes, even jewellery.

So for the last few weeks, I and the boyfriend had the plan to go shoe shopping for me. While you surely can imagine my unbridled enthusiasm (sarcasm warning) for shopping, I actually was looking forward to that for several reasons. First, I have two pairs of shoes: House shoes (well for inside the house) that are just a piece of fabric with some fake fur inside and that hurt my feet, and street shoes that are 10+ years old and are falling apart. The second reason is a bit longer.

Since I can’t do much in the area of exercise I wanted to start with something that I can do and isn’t too painful. After looking around for a while, I found a mini bike. You can put that thing under the table or on the table if you want to train your arms.


As soon as it arrived I tried it, but my house shoes were too big to fit into the straps and barefoot it hurt after just a few minutes. So I wanted to have sporty shoes for using that. Since my feet hurt with my house shoes I also wanted new ones there, and I recently got a skirt that I wanted to wear but my only shoes for outside are not suitable for that. So I wanted something for this.

We managed to actually be up early enough on Saturday to pull through with the plan. As I had thought, I needed many many breaks, some after only a few meters. As a side note: I had no idea how hard it is to find size 46 (12 1/2) shoes in a men’s section of a shoe store. Altogether the search took several shoe stores and 6 hours of searching, testing, walking and breaking, including dizzy spells and everything else that is ‘Fine’.

As is to be expected I am in a world of pain now. Every muscle, every joint, everything. But at the same time, I am proud of myself, because I didn’t choose the lazy way to stay home, for knowing that I’ll be in pain and still go and do it. For taking breaks when I needed them, for ignoring that I was way over my head. And I am proud of the man of my dreams ™ who bore with me, was patient, helpful at every corner, never lost his humour and in the end also got himself new shoes because his fell apart as well.

Despite the aftermath, I am proud and glad that we got this over with. And as soon as that pain is over, I’ll get new pain, because I really want to start using that Mini bike!


#big-sizes, #fat, #motivation, #oversize, #overweight, #self-care, #shopping

Doing it again

About a week ago two lovely friends of mine started to help me with this accountability thing. Every day I tell them how I did with my calories and I really don’t want to tell them that I went over. You know how that is with disappointing people you love. That means I started again to fill my food diary every day.

I am not sure how long it took, because my last weigh-in had been sometime in the week before that, but since then until now I have lost 3.5kg. And that makes me super excited!

Yesterday I dyed my hair so my muscles hurt like a mother from standing in that unusual position while bending over the shower to wash out the dye, so I can barely move. But after that I want to start to move again. Well slowly since that already had taken a lot ouf of me. When I walk from here across the hallway to the showers and back I am all powered out. So I’ll start with that hallway at least once a day and gradually step it up. My first goal is to be able to take these walks around the block again, which right now I can’t. And I know that if I start with that now, I will get so frustrated with it and myself that I’ll stop again.

So the start is done. On we go!


#health, #motivation, #overweight, #weight-loss

I suck

… and not in the good way. (Yes, I had to, sorry, not sorry.)

Well you might remember my post about excuses and my realization that I’m making them. I still do and more than ever, I think. I have completely dropped off the horse. And I am not actually giving myself reasons, so am I really making excuses? In any way… I have not put anything in my food diary. I have given a damn how much I eat and what and that’s awful. Have I given up?

I hope not, because I have a long way to go and I can’t just give up. I have always been a fighter and I still am. So why does it feel so tempting to just not give a f…fudgesickle? Maybe because it’s easier than to restrain myself and work for it?

Could anyone please move to Berlin and drag myself out on the streets for at least 15 minutes a day so I can at least complain about hurting muscles as a reason not to go out? I have to do something, but I just can’t be arsed. Depression makes it harder and this is not an excuse, it’s actually a fact. I’m having a hard time, but try to ignore it. Just doesn’t make things easier.

I have to give a damn. I have to get back up. I feel the mountain is too big to climb, maybe I’ll start with the first alpine hut instead of the mountain top. No too far… maybe the door of the flat for starters. Then the end of the hallway. Then to the staircase… babysteps. Maybe that’s less overwhelming and scary.


#excuses, #failure, #habits, #health, #motivation, #not-giving-up, #overweight, #overwhelmed, #self-care, #truth, #weight-loss

Sharing a quote

I just saw this on one of my social networks and thought I’d share it.


#health, #motivation, #weight-loss

Day 44: Uhm yeah

So I know I was quiet, which was not really in the spirit of daily accountability. Yeah I’ve always been bad with that, but I am still here and keep thinking of writing and then think that you all must be terribly bored with me telling you about how my day was and how I did. It’s not really very exciting here, nor do I go too deep into things. Well I might change that, every now and then. It really depends on what happens.

So today started actually rather well with my weigh-in. I lost another 0.6 kilogram, so I might not have done too bad in the last few days. Yay me. First day was date day or how I like to call it “Don’t give a hoot about calories”-Day. The other two days after that I didn’t give a hoot about anything, so I did not write down what I ate. But I also didn’t binge which is a rather huge thing. Usually I do that just because there is no proof for that.

Today I felt like eating all the things. Why? One of my favourite actors, Alan Rickman, died and that hurt really bad. Just thinking of it now makes it hard to swallow again. And we know that I’m an emotional eater. Well I didn’t plunder the kitchen which makes me proud of myself. Every time I wanted I checked my food diary on how much I can still eat, and then either munched some or didn’t – various times various checks.

Sometimes I wish that I had this “I’m too sad to eat” thing going on, but I don’t. That means when I don’t do it, when I keep within limit on sad days, stressed days, bummed out days, depression days, sick days etc. I feel like I just unlocked an achievement. One that I can get several times in life, not just once. And me being a gamer girl, that’s quite something to make my own collection. 😉

I also tasted the first Avocado of my life today! I personally wouldn’t recommend to eat it as is, it has a strange taste. But I used it on a slice of bread and put a sunny side egg on it, and it was really tasty. It gave a fascinating underlying taste and the creamy texture was quite a pleasant surprise. I have another half here, let’s see what I can do with that tomorrow. 🙂

So while today was sad and full of emotion and tears, I have done well. Today ends with 2088 of 2460 calories.

#eating-habits, #health, #motivation, #overweight, #weight-loss

Start the year with a surprise

My internet is not yet back, but right now I have the UMTS stick to at least peek in. So during the holidays I did not do my food diary at all. Mainly because it is online and I was never online when I had just eaten and then forgot everything until I was. But I had the feeling that I hadn’t eaten as much as usual.

I’m not sure if that was wishful thinking or actually true, but seeing the results it might have been the later.

Before the holidays I went on the scale and I had gotten an “Error” message. What you need to know is that my scale can weigh up to 200kg (about 441 lbs), so that means I was more than 200kg. When I went on the scale this morning I was at 197.4 (435.2 lbs). So I have lost at least 2.6 kg over a time in which I would have usually gained weight because I had no documentation about how much I am eating.

I am really happy about that, a great way to start the day.

Though I really don’t want to keep being without that documentation for much longer, just to be on the save side. Our router is on the way, so that should be soon!

#motivation, #not-giving-up, #overweight, #weight-loss

Promised Video “Anything is possible”

I still am not properly online again, but it’s my turn to use the UMTS stick, so I’ll show you the video and a reaction video that I both watched the other day.


As I have mentioned last time. I think they are meant to be inspirational, but they dragged me down, still thinking that I won’t ever be able to do what he did.

Either way let me know what you think. Do things like these make you feel like you can do it?




#health, #motivation, #overweight, #weight-loss