Back on the needle

When I was diagnosed in 2005 I was in the hospital for two weeks. I was sent to classes to learn how to deal, what to do, what not to do, how to improve and what happens when things get worse. You know what nobody told me?

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Diabetes sucks! Big hairy donkey balls.

Yeah, most of the time it’s alright. It can be berable and if everything goes well one can live with it. It isn’t a disease that hurts – at least not until the bad side effects show themselves – which also makes it tricky and easy to ignore.

For a couple of years I had the unbelievable luck that I had gotten rid of it. I had always known it was temporary. So now I am back on the needle. For the last couple of month I have tried to get it back under control. I have take so much insulin for each bread unit, so much Basal that I wonder why I don’t inject the whole vial for one dinner. The pills I have to take to make it even work leave a bad taste in my mouth and give me the runs. At least I was able to change from Metformin to Siofor (which also is a metformin but in a different way put

The pills I have to take to make it even work leave a bad taste in my mouth and give me the runs. At least I was able to change from Metformin to Siofor (which also is a metformin but in a different way put together), because with Metformin I suffered like a beaten dog from cramps and nausea ever day. So at least that is gone but the runs still suck.

I get some other pills that are helping to get rid of some sugar by peeing it all out, but it’s not much. In the two plus something months I have been back on the needle I was once (!!!) at a blood sugar level that I aimed for. I measure my food, I raised the insulin per bread unit and what not, but daaaang that bloody sugar just doesn’t want to go down.

I’ll keep trying. My doc said to try to go to a full Siofor instead of a half and see if my stomach allows it. Of course he also suggested to move more. I know that sport helps, exercise is great to lower your blood sugar levels. Though with a body like mine I can hardly stand for 3 minutes without my back yelling bloody murder at me.

I sound like I complain a lot, don’t I? Actually most of the time I just swallow it and think that I’m lucky. My parent’s neighbour lost his leg due to diabetes and ignoring it. Many people have it much worse, at least I get treatment and help from my doc. But hell, just because others have it worse doesn’t mean I have to like all this. So suck it up, I complain!

So what I do now is continue. Measure, weigh, calculate, adjust and make sure that I don’t end up like many others who didn’t.

Back on the needle I go!

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#diabetes, #health, #medical-stuff, #truth

What happens if you ignore medical everything for years

I’ve been very quiet lately, not only here but everywhere. Partly it was because I got super busy, but also because I got sick and I fought with depression. Now I got a long medical update for you because you know what happens when you don’t take care of anything medical for years? It all piles up like crazy. And now that’s kicking my ass.

It started because I got a weird pain in my leg and it started to look bumpy and red. Me being a hero ignored it and thought it was just some random stuff like I bumped into something or I got a rash because of whatever is in the air here. I thought I can get rid of it myself and tried with mountain pine tonic which is supposed to help with blood circulation or hydrocortisone ointment, putting my legs up, cold and warm wraps and stuff like that. You know the stuff mum tells you to do when your legs hurt. But nothing worked, it got actually worse.

So after about 2 or 3 months I had one day of pain so strong I cried because I couldn’t take it anymore. It hurt when I sat, walked, slept, even when the super thin fabric of my pants brushed over it. It was swollen, hot and painful af. So my plan to go to the doctor if it wasn’t better on Monday, became the order to go the next morning. My doctor took a look and since it was a Friday at 10am she couldn’t take blood anymore. Because that was too risky she sent me to the hospital to make sure it wasn’t thrombosis. Well long story short: after 5 hours in the hospital filled with being prodded, poked and examined I got the diagnosis: Erysipelas. Wohoooo no thrombosis!

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That apparently is an acute infection caused by a streptococcus bacteria. That’s what I got for scratching my itching legs, or not being able to reach my feet for proper care and not cleaning the flat (which I wrote to you about before). So I got antibiotics and was ordered to rest my leg (which is hard when you gotta run from doctor to doctor) and to report back to my doctor the following Monday. So I did that and she wanted to draw some blood for a full on blood work because the hospital only had done a partial one to make sure I don’t have thrombosis.

When I got back the results the real work started. The numbers did not look too well. I have a too high cholesterol, my long-term blood sugar is waaaay too high, and whatever blood results show the infection was also still not low enough. So I was sent to a dermatologist for my leg which still hurt despite being MUCH better already. I then had to listen to a lecture about my blood sugar – which I already expected – and my cholesterol. But first things first.

The dermatologist took me off the antibiotics but prescribed compression socks because the weight I put on my legs is not helping the healing process. That was two weeks ago, I am still waiting for the socks. Health insurance has to OK them, which means that takes 10 days if I’m lucky and then because my legs are too big and I am too heavy for regular ones they have to special order them. Measurements were taken really fast, but I wish those things were here already. I am tired of the pain and swollen legs all the time. New bloodwork will be done in about 3 weeks to see how it came about. Until I get these socks I use iodine tincture on my leg to help out with the chance of it getting worse again.

Because of my high sugar results (6.7% – 7.5% is normal Hba1c, which is the long-term measurement, I am at 12.2%) I had to make an appointment with my diabetologist. Next open slot was in January, so I actually got on the search for a new diabetologist, because I seriously couldn’t wait that long. It was too pressing. And I feel super lucky that I have found one. I am going to make an extra post about what happened there because it was actually pretty special. But for now: I am taking care of it.

I also have an appointment for an eye doctor in a month. Haven’t had my eyes checked for like 15 – 20 years. Oh my.

The two weeks full of doctor visits have been exhausting. Not only because they generally are, but also because I had to get up early in the mornings, and walk there which to me is a whole day trip, because I am really bad on foot, even without the hurting leg. And having to go out among people, strangers and such is also exhausting for my anxiety. Right now it calmed down some. And I start to feel accomplished for actually taking care of myself.

Do you take care of yourself? Do you struggle with it? Did you ever have to catch up with all your medical appointments of a 5 year period in 2 weeks? Tell me your story and share your experiences down in the comments!

#doctor, #health, #self-care, #truth

Doing it again

About a week ago two lovely friends of mine started to help me with this accountability thing. Every day I tell them how I did with my calories and I really don’t want to tell them that I went over. You know how that is with disappointing people you love. That means I started again to fill my food diary every day.

I am not sure how long it took, because my last weigh-in had been sometime in the week before that, but since then until now I have lost 3.5kg. And that makes me super excited!

Yesterday I dyed my hair so my muscles hurt like a mother from standing in that unusual position while bending over the shower to wash out the dye, so I can barely move. But after that I want to start to move again. Well slowly since that already had taken a lot ouf of me. When I walk from here across the hallway to the showers and back I am all powered out. So I’ll start with that hallway at least once a day and gradually step it up. My first goal is to be able to take these walks around the block again, which right now I can’t. And I know that if I start with that now, I will get so frustrated with it and myself that I’ll stop again.

So the start is done. On we go!

 

#health, #motivation, #overweight, #weight-loss

I suck

… and not in the good way. (Yes, I had to, sorry, not sorry.)

Well you might remember my post about excuses and my realization that I’m making them. I still do and more than ever, I think. I have completely dropped off the horse. And I am not actually giving myself reasons, so am I really making excuses? In any way… I have not put anything in my food diary. I have given a damn how much I eat and what and that’s awful. Have I given up?

I hope not, because I have a long way to go and I can’t just give up. I have always been a fighter and I still am. So why does it feel so tempting to just not give a f…fudgesickle? Maybe because it’s easier than to restrain myself and work for it?

Could anyone please move to Berlin and drag myself out on the streets for at least 15 minutes a day so I can at least complain about hurting muscles as a reason not to go out? I have to do something, but I just can’t be arsed. Depression makes it harder and this is not an excuse, it’s actually a fact. I’m having a hard time, but try to ignore it. Just doesn’t make things easier.

I have to give a damn. I have to get back up. I feel the mountain is too big to climb, maybe I’ll start with the first alpine hut instead of the mountain top. No too far… maybe the door of the flat for starters. Then the end of the hallway. Then to the staircase… babysteps. Maybe that’s less overwhelming and scary.

Maybe.

#excuses, #failure, #habits, #health, #motivation, #not-giving-up, #overweight, #overwhelmed, #self-care, #truth, #weight-loss

The truth hurts

For a long time I have made excuses for many things without even noticing I made them. It began as truthful explanations like that I couldn’t do something because it caused me big pain. It is still true but many times I use it to not even try.

It’s comfortable to have the right reason for not doing something. Because I know the pain that will come when I walk for 2 minutes I don’t even start. Because I think I will fall from the horse I stopped getting up on it’s back.

Two days ago I started writing down my food again. Day 1 went well. Today I went over a little and because of that my mind went all “well now I’m over anyway so I can eat more.” and I did… Another excuse.

It would be so easy just to blame something else. Genetics, other people, medicine, society, sickness,  depression…
Don’t get me wrong. Everything in this list is a valid reason.
But many times it is so much easier to use one of those reasons as an excuse instead of admitting that we fucked up. Which to be honest is really shitty for the times when these reasons are really the reason why things went wrong.

So today I’m standing (who am I kidding, I’m laying in bed) here and say that thing that hurts. The truth. I’m using excuses because I’m scared that if I try, I’ll fail. And not doing something because of fear of failing doesn’t give a damn that it causes auto-fail. It’s illogical like that.

So what to do next? Stop making excuses? Let’s be real. This shit is harder to beat than Muhammad Ali. To be honest, I have no clue. I’m stuck and haven’t the foggiest how to get out. No clue, no control, no anything. So all that is left is keep trying, I guess.

#excuses, #habits, #health, #overweight, #truth, #weight-loss

Sharing a quote

I just saw this on one of my social networks and thought I’d share it.

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#health, #motivation, #weight-loss

Still alive, just overwhelmed

For the last two weeks I felt increasingly stressed and overwhelmed by about everything. My to-do list is several kilometers long, I had deadlines haunting me, people wanted all kinds of stuff, discussions became exhausting and on top of all, I’ve got my period and a nasty cold that still bugs me.
All together I felt awful and like I’m watching someone’s life from the outside, but surely not mine. I started to feel detached in an attempt to cope but that only made it worse. So now I’ll try to get back to my old self, while struggling with my stuff.

That will include to restart watching what I eat, because to add that to the rest was really the last thing I needed.

#health, #overweight, #overwhelmed, #self-care, #stress