… and not in the good way. (Yes, I had to, sorry, not sorry.)
Well you might remember my post about excuses and my realization that I’m making them. I still do and more than ever, I think. I have completely dropped off the horse. And I am not actually giving myself reasons, so am I really making excuses? In any way… I have not put anything in my food diary. I have given a damn how much I eat and what and that’s awful. Have I given up?
I hope not, because I have a long way to go and I can’t just give up. I have always been a fighter and I still am. So why does it feel so tempting to just not give a f…fudgesickle? Maybe because it’s easier than to restrain myself and work for it?
Could anyone please move to Berlin and drag myself out on the streets for at least 15 minutes a day so I can at least complain about hurting muscles as a reason not to go out? I have to do something, but I just can’t be arsed. Depression makes it harder and this is not an excuse, it’s actually a fact. I’m having a hard time, but try to ignore it. Just doesn’t make things easier.
I have to give a damn. I have to get back up. I feel the mountain is too big to climb, maybe I’ll start with the first alpine hut instead of the mountain top. No too far… maybe the door of the flat for starters. Then the end of the hallway. Then to the staircase… babysteps. Maybe that’s less overwhelming and scary.
I can’t even tell you how fed up with everything I am. I’m angry at food, calories, the world even though the later isn’t at fault at all. Mostly I’m angry at myself. For having eaten too much for days. For not having restraint and control over my eating habits. For trying and failing all the bloody time…
I want to become better, healthy and at least a bit thinner but I keep messing it up.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I keep thinking that almost every time I go outside. So first let me say, not all mirrors are the enemy. I have exactly 1 mirror in my apartment, a really small one on face height that I do not see anything but my face in. I like my face mostly so that one can stay.
But when I go outside I walk along a hallway right ahead towards a really big glass front, which shows my reflection as soon as it is dim lit outside. Then the lift to go down has a full wall mirror at the side, and stepping out of it the house door is glass as well.
When I went down to get our mail, I was in the lift two times and gosh I was getting really depressed. To not see that mirror reflection i have to stand with the back to it, facing the operation panel, which usually is not a problem but I often in a reflex stand facing the door and then I see it in the corner of my eye and can’t ignore it. I looked at myself and all I could see was this huge pile of fat. Rolls showed clearly under my shirt, in the back in the front, all around, under my chin, my arms: everywhere.
I honestly felt disgusted by looking at myself. That has not stopped yet, though had been like 4 days ago. Problem is that when I get depressed and disgusted like that, I get obviously emotional and I’m an emotional eater. So the last few days I went a “bit” overboard eating wise again, despite my best intention to watch it again. So much for that.
So those who know that kind of situation know, just as me, that telling me to not do it and that this makes it worse…. it doesn’t work! I know that already. Not saying anything new. That’s the thing. I know all the good things, the benefits, the how tos. But if it were that easy everyone would be healthy and thin. Just saying.
So at the moment I’m still struggling and really do not want to see another mirror in my life.
Okay so remember how I said that not celebrating should make this easy? Yeah…. Pft!
We did another date day. And had special treats and after that I slumped into a really annoying depressive phase. Nothing worked and I did a lot of emotional eating, not really paying attention to what and how much I ate. Like ‘who cares?’
I hate those slumps. And then I have watched a video that was supposed to be inspirational and instead it depressed me even more. Can’t really share it right now because I’m writing on the phone. But will share it tomorrow. I’m sure it just was my general mood at the moment that made this hard to watch. It’s actually very cool. Tomorrow!
Now I’ll go to be trying to ignore the bellyache… Dang that was too much! My own fault.