A massive sea of “Nope!”

You know the feeling when you’re numb?

Yeah, that is me right now.

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Usually, I’m the type of person who feels too much. I easily cry because I get overwhelmed just as easily. I am feeling so much that I feel like I’m in a constant cloud of noise. But these days it has become so much that I am kind of shut down. It is hard to feel anything.

I go through my days like on auto pilot. I get up after not enough sleep, I try to do so something but most of the times I can’t be bothered. Most of the days recently I become so tired in the evening that I take a nap, which is planned to be an hour or two long but ends up to become 5 or more hours. I am still tired and without energy afterward, but manage to do one or two things before going to bed again.

There are a lot of things that I really love to do. I love working in Photoshop, I love writing, I love gaming, I love creating 3D Mesh, but whenever I start something, anything that I usually love, I don’t get excited. I actually am getting bored of it after only minutes. I love my friends, but I am having a really hard time to talk with anyone, to keep up with people in conversations. It’s like my brain is just a massive sea of “NOPE!”.

Don’t get me wrong, I still care, I still love, I still laugh. But most of the day I just sit here and feel nothing. I blame my depression, which is possibly what it is anyway. It’s been like that for two weeks maybe and I can’t wait for it to be over so I can get excited about things again.

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The Chair of my dreams

The feeling of happiness when you find something that actually supports you is awesome! For me, that moment was when I got a desk chair that was made to carry up to 200kg. With me being around that weight, this was like a special gift, especially because it didn’t cost me an arm and a leg AND didn’t have armrests.

Public Service Announcement: If you sell a chair that carries 200kg people, don’t put armrests on it that only allow thinner people to sit in the chair. Like seriously. Make them retractable, or optional or something. Same with the width of the seat, make it appropriately wide. What good does it do if the chair can carry be but I don’t fit in? I can’t be the only one who ran into that problem.

Either way back to the subject:

For years I had a chair without a backrest with a shaky seat and a horrid disposition of introducing me to a lot of joint -, back- and butt pain. I’ve got the new chair in June and the first time I sat down it was like heaven. I could lean back for the first time in years. The seat was soft and it was just beautiful.

Now it’s August (it is, right?) and the seat suddenly moved down and didn’t get back up when I sat on it. It does when I stand up. So I contacted the vendor and they are going to send me a new hydraulic pole (or whatever that thing is called), which seems to be what is broken. I am super happy about that service.

I can’t wait to get that pole and spare my knee from the pain it has right now due to the deep seat. I am 1,90 m tall I need a high seat. lol

So… Good Chair, great service, happy me!

A shoe odyssey

As some of you may know, I am not good on my legs. I can’t stand or walk for more than a few minutes (3 usually.. 5 on a good day). Another thing you need to know is that I am one of the few women on this globe that hates to shop. Part of that is that things in my size are just like unicorns, be it clothing or shoes, even jewellery.

So for the last few weeks, I and the boyfriend had the plan to go shoe shopping for me. While you surely can imagine my unbridled enthusiasm (sarcasm warning) for shopping, I actually was looking forward to that for several reasons. First, I have two pairs of shoes: House shoes (well for inside the house) that are just a piece of fabric with some fake fur inside and that hurt my feet, and street shoes that are 10+ years old and are falling apart. The second reason is a bit longer.

Since I can’t do much in the area of exercise I wanted to start with something that I can do and isn’t too painful. After looking around for a while, I found a mini bike. You can put that thing under the table or on the table if you want to train your arms.

Minibike

As soon as it arrived I tried it, but my house shoes were too big to fit into the straps and barefoot it hurt after just a few minutes. So I wanted to have sporty shoes for using that. Since my feet hurt with my house shoes I also wanted new ones there, and I recently got a skirt that I wanted to wear but my only shoes for outside are not suitable for that. So I wanted something for this.

We managed to actually be up early enough on Saturday to pull through with the plan. As I had thought, I needed many many breaks, some after only a few meters. As a side note: I had no idea how hard it is to find size 46 (12 1/2) shoes in a men’s section of a shoe store. Altogether the search took several shoe stores and 6 hours of searching, testing, walking and breaking, including dizzy spells and everything else that is ‘Fine’.

As is to be expected I am in a world of pain now. Every muscle, every joint, everything. But at the same time, I am proud of myself, because I didn’t choose the lazy way to stay home, for knowing that I’ll be in pain and still go and do it. For taking breaks when I needed them, for ignoring that I was way over my head. And I am proud of the man of my dreams ™ who bore with me, was patient, helpful at every corner, never lost his humour and in the end also got himself new shoes because his fell apart as well.

Despite the aftermath, I am proud and glad that we got this over with. And as soon as that pain is over, I’ll get new pain, because I really want to start using that Mini bike!

#big-sizes, #fat, #motivation, #oversize, #overweight, #self-care, #shopping

Back on the needle

When I was diagnosed in 2005 I was in the hospital for two weeks. I was sent to classes to learn how to deal, what to do, what not to do, how to improve and what happens when things get worse. You know what nobody told me?

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Diabetes sucks! Big hairy donkey balls.

Yeah, most of the time it’s alright. It can be berable and if everything goes well one can live with it. It isn’t a disease that hurts – at least not until the bad side effects show themselves – which also makes it tricky and easy to ignore.

For a couple of years I had the unbelievable luck that I had gotten rid of it. I had always known it was temporary. So now I am back on the needle. For the last couple of month I have tried to get it back under control. I have take so much insulin for each bread unit, so much Basal that I wonder why I don’t inject the whole vial for one dinner. The pills I have to take to make it even work leave a bad taste in my mouth and give me the runs. At least I was able to change from Metformin to Siofor (which also is a metformin but in a different way put

The pills I have to take to make it even work leave a bad taste in my mouth and give me the runs. At least I was able to change from Metformin to Siofor (which also is a metformin but in a different way put together), because with Metformin I suffered like a beaten dog from cramps and nausea ever day. So at least that is gone but the runs still suck.

I get some other pills that are helping to get rid of some sugar by peeing it all out, but it’s not much. In the two plus something months I have been back on the needle I was once (!!!) at a blood sugar level that I aimed for. I measure my food, I raised the insulin per bread unit and what not, but daaaang that bloody sugar just doesn’t want to go down.

I’ll keep trying. My doc said to try to go to a full Siofor instead of a half and see if my stomach allows it. Of course he also suggested to move more. I know that sport helps, exercise is great to lower your blood sugar levels. Though with a body like mine I can hardly stand for 3 minutes without my back yelling bloody murder at me.

I sound like I complain a lot, don’t I? Actually most of the time I just swallow it and think that I’m lucky. My parent’s neighbour lost his leg due to diabetes and ignoring it. Many people have it much worse, at least I get treatment and help from my doc. But hell, just because others have it worse doesn’t mean I have to like all this. So suck it up, I complain!

So what I do now is continue. Measure, weigh, calculate, adjust and make sure that I don’t end up like many others who didn’t.

Back on the needle I go!

#diabetes, #health, #medical-stuff, #truth

“Lose weight” The ‘heal-all solution’

Got the flu – Lose weight
Got a broken arm – Lose weight
Eye sight is getting worse – Lose weight

Quite sure that many of you out there have heard the same bullshit no matter what the problem was that brought you to the doctor in the first place. It is crazy how much people get reduced to the numbers on the scales. Yes I know all the important stuff. I know that high weight IS dangerous and unhealthy. I know that many of the problems that I have are caused by my weight.

The problem is, if you enter the doctor’s office and ALL they see is your weight, you might be really sick but aren’t helped because ‘losing weight’ is what apparently cures everything. I could go on a long rant about how overweight people can be as healthy as thin people can be unhealthy and all that stuff we’ve heard a million times. The simple plea that I keep bringing up to my doctors is:

“Take my issues seriously. If I tell you I am coming down with a cold, a flu, constant headaches, pain… check me up. Pretend I’m not the fattest person you’ve ever seen and check me for my bloody symptoms. Don’t tell me I’m fat, because guess what, I have mirrors, I see myself every day, I feel my weight every day, every doctor in my life has told me, every person side eyeing me on the street has in one way or the other told me – I KNOW. You are not giving me news. The news I want from YOU as my doctor is how to get rid of being sick.

Alright now to the sunshine part of this post. I have found a doctor who surprisingly took three whole sittings until he even hinted at my weight. I wanted to cry. It felt so good to be taken seriously, to not be looked at like that fat person who will be cured with less kilos on her body, a smaller number on a scale. That doctor is my diabetologist, and I have promised almost a year ago to tell you about this positive experience.

I went to this doctor because my old diabetologist would have taken several month to even get me on his schedule despite dangerously high hba1c results in my blood test back in October. Not for one second I have regretted the change. My new diabetologist is the first doctor in my now 38 year old life to not say “You have to lose weight” the first time he opens his mouth. We started my treatment for my diabetes right away. I got pills, got some other things for injections to test and when they didn’t work we tried something else.

In our third sitting he right out said “Listen, I’m not going to tell you to lose weight because I’m sure you know all that and everyone has told you.” It was a real honest laugh between us. He also said “I know I can’t tell you anything that makes it easier either, because let’s face it, I have no idea what you’re going through.” He is skin and bones and knows it. He doesn’t pretend to know the tiniest bit. And I love him for it. We still talked about what I tried, what I did not want to try (Surgery, I have huge panic attacks just thinking of it – not healthy), and what I could try.

So far nothing helped but that is not the point of this post, I’ll talk about that later. The point is, this man is taking me seriously, he is seeing me as a human being. And as a fat person who spent most of her life around doctors telling her that she is only worth proper attention when she is thin… that is the most precious thing a doctor could have given me.

Do you have experiences like this? What do you do when your doctor sees losing weight as the one stop heal? Have you found a doctor that sends them all to hell and sees you as a human who needs their help? Tell me about it down in the comments!

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#doctors, #fat, #lose-weight, #medical-stuff, #weight-loss

A lot of time has passed

A lot of time has passed – again. You must be as sick of that as I am really. No apologies, no excuses. I suck at keeping things current and keep talking about stuff that’s hard for me. Anyway. I am here right now. Let’s see for how long, shall we?

Thinks have been happening that I’ll be updating you guys about over the course of the next couple of days. Right now I just wanted to peek in and give a lifesign. Starting anew and all that stuff. So see you around soon!

What happens if you ignore medical everything for years

I’ve been very quiet lately, not only here but everywhere. Partly it was because I got super busy, but also because I got sick and I fought with depression. Now I got a long medical update for you because you know what happens when you don’t take care of anything medical for years? It all piles up like crazy. And now that’s kicking my ass.

It started because I got a weird pain in my leg and it started to look bumpy and red. Me being a hero ignored it and thought it was just some random stuff like I bumped into something or I got a rash because of whatever is in the air here. I thought I can get rid of it myself and tried with mountain pine tonic which is supposed to help with blood circulation or hydrocortisone ointment, putting my legs up, cold and warm wraps and stuff like that. You know the stuff mum tells you to do when your legs hurt. But nothing worked, it got actually worse.

So after about 2 or 3 months I had one day of pain so strong I cried because I couldn’t take it anymore. It hurt when I sat, walked, slept, even when the super thin fabric of my pants brushed over it. It was swollen, hot and painful af. So my plan to go to the doctor if it wasn’t better on Monday, became the order to go the next morning. My doctor took a look and since it was a Friday at 10am she couldn’t take blood anymore. Because that was too risky she sent me to the hospital to make sure it wasn’t thrombosis. Well long story short: after 5 hours in the hospital filled with being prodded, poked and examined I got the diagnosis: Erysipelas. Wohoooo no thrombosis!

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That apparently is an acute infection caused by a streptococcus bacteria. That’s what I got for scratching my itching legs, or not being able to reach my feet for proper care and not cleaning the flat (which I wrote to you about before). So I got antibiotics and was ordered to rest my leg (which is hard when you gotta run from doctor to doctor) and to report back to my doctor the following Monday. So I did that and she wanted to draw some blood for a full on blood work because the hospital only had done a partial one to make sure I don’t have thrombosis.

When I got back the results the real work started. The numbers did not look too well. I have a too high cholesterol, my long-term blood sugar is waaaay too high, and whatever blood results show the infection was also still not low enough. So I was sent to a dermatologist for my leg which still hurt despite being MUCH better already. I then had to listen to a lecture about my blood sugar – which I already expected – and my cholesterol. But first things first.

The dermatologist took me off the antibiotics but prescribed compression socks because the weight I put on my legs is not helping the healing process. That was two weeks ago, I am still waiting for the socks. Health insurance has to OK them, which means that takes 10 days if I’m lucky and then because my legs are too big and I am too heavy for regular ones they have to special order them. Measurements were taken really fast, but I wish those things were here already. I am tired of the pain and swollen legs all the time. New bloodwork will be done in about 3 weeks to see how it came about. Until I get these socks I use iodine tincture on my leg to help out with the chance of it getting worse again.

Because of my high sugar results (6.7% – 7.5% is normal Hba1c, which is the long-term measurement, I am at 12.2%) I had to make an appointment with my diabetologist. Next open slot was in January, so I actually got on the search for a new diabetologist, because I seriously couldn’t wait that long. It was too pressing. And I feel super lucky that I have found one. I am going to make an extra post about what happened there because it was actually pretty special. But for now: I am taking care of it.

I also have an appointment for an eye doctor in a month. Haven’t had my eyes checked for like 15 – 20 years. Oh my.

The two weeks full of doctor visits have been exhausting. Not only because they generally are, but also because I had to get up early in the mornings, and walk there which to me is a whole day trip, because I am really bad on foot, even without the hurting leg. And having to go out among people, strangers and such is also exhausting for my anxiety. Right now it calmed down some. And I start to feel accomplished for actually taking care of myself.

Do you take care of yourself? Do you struggle with it? Did you ever have to catch up with all your medical appointments of a 5 year period in 2 weeks? Tell me your story and share your experiences down in the comments!

#doctor, #health, #self-care, #truth