Who is the big girl?

That question can be answered easily. It’s me!

But i am sure you wanted to know more. Well i am a 31 year old girl from Germany and have been overweight my hole life (but not much, it became really bad later). I am sharing a bit of myself so you see how it came to that.

When i was 18 i was a young, only a bit overweight teenager (but still even that bit had brough me lots of bullying and mocking since my childhood), having her first boyfriend. We got engaged after almost one year. It was his birthday and he drank alcohol for the first time in his life. The night ended in him being an agressive drunk, raping me. I can now talk about it but many many years there was no chance that anyone know what happened besides me and him.

To forget my feelings I dived into alcohol myself and became addicted and depressive (the second still is the case). And instead of seeking help to come clear with my feelings and depressions i drank and had one night stands, “boyfriends” who cheated on me, beat me, were drug addicts themselves. Instead of talking about what was going on i went deeper into the addiction until the last friends left (i chased all others away with my moods) decided to change that and put me on cold turkey. I hated them for doing that, since i had to fight with my emotions from then on but now i am thankful they did. I am dry for 11 years now, but instead of alcohol i started with eating. The depression and my low self esteem became worse through people i have been around, even though i was dry now there were many dangerous people around me. Well when i was 22 i moved out of my parents house – who btw never new anything was wrong.

As soon as i was on my own I started to eat even more, mostly because i was lonely. I was online a lot where my only friends were by then and ate of boredom and feeling bad. I had a job and that was the only thing i made out of my home. Well somewhen i lost my job and I fell in love with an old friend of mine. I moved there and i am still here after over 8 years, still happy with him. But not having a job here did not help. All my waking hours sitting at the computer, the fridge right next to me, so in those last 8 years i grew and grew to what i am now, well to what i was when i started my change of lifestyle. I tried lots of things to lose weight, but failed right after only a couple of days, each and every time.

I wondered why i never has much success in changing that, and after some soul searching i know that i did not really want to. I was afraid of change and was clinging to what i knew, me being fat and eating when i am bored and feeling bad.

About 4 months ago i realized how bad it had really become and i saw for the first time clearly that i gained an enormous amount of weight in the last 8 years. I’m telling a bit about this and myself here and in the blog, not only for myself but also for those who might read it and hope it helps them as well.

When i started i had reached my top weight of 250 kilogramm (for my American readers that is 551.155 lb (Looks funny the palindrome doesn’t it?)) and i had trouble getting up from chairs or walking 10 steps without pain.

This one day I supported myself on the shelf next to my chair at home and the board crashed down, simply collapsed. I had broken many chairs in the months before because i was too heavy, but this moment kinda shook me more than those before. Then when later i wanted to get into the shower i got stuck between the doors that could not be opened more than this. And i was lucky that i was wet afterwards so i was able to get out again.

After that i sat there at my computer and stared at the screen for half an hour. It clicked in my brain and i said to myself ‘enough’. This was when it all started. A friend of mine who listened to what happened this day told me about my fitnesspal and that she is there in this great community with all those people wanting to lose weight, sharing their stories, their failures and successes. This site has a calorie counter, food diary, exercise diary, a calculator to see how much calories you can eat to lose weight especially calculated from your weight and goals.. I registered right away. And i can say i don’t regret it one second.

Since then i learned so much about myself, the mistakes i made before, the wrong beliefs of dieting and much much more. I only changed my nutrition and i am surprised how much i can and have to eat to lose, i have not been hungry at the end of the day once so far. And i am losing weight. Something that never happened before because in my uncountable attempts to try a diet, i gave up after 2-3 days because i was hungry as hell.

But this time is different. I am determined, i am inspired and motivated and i already feel so much better. I lost 103 pounds so far (by 07/21/10) which is 1/3rd of what i have to lose for a normal weight (i am 1.90m tall – 6’3”).

I do not know how often i can write, but i want to let you be part of this adventure as much as possible and hope it will help you as well as it helped me to read from others 🙂

3 Comments

  1. Hi Schnecke,

    wow…actually, I don’t know what to say. Obviously you’ve gone through a lot of s***, without me knowing. *big hugs* But you’ve reached a lot in those last months. I wish, I would have made it that far like you. Guess I should take you as an example, how to lose weight.

    Love you!

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