When you’re a fat person there might be things that you just can’t ever imagine to happen. Your whole life turns around food, size, and weight. Am I too big to fit in this? Will this collapse under my weight? Will I ever be able to wear something that doesn’t look like someone slaughtered grandma’s sofa? Will I ever feel not hungry? Will people ever stop to stare at me? (I keep reading of other fat people feeling invisible, I have no idea how that feels. I am being stared at everywhere. I wish I was invisible.)
Well, there are a bunch of things that I had never thought possible before I had lost some weight through the bypass surgery. So I want to tell you about them.
1. Feeling full
One of my problems leading to overeating was that I have never experienced what it felt to be full. I was always hungry, it was a constant no matter if I ate or not. Like I had a huge dinner, licked the plate clean and was hungry, so if my bf had left-overs I ‘sacrificed’ myself to make sure it won’t rain tomorrow (Anyone else grew up with that thing about if you don’t eat everything on your plate it’ll rain?) Since I started to eat slowly, I have actually felt a difference between before and after meals. Feeling full is a whole new sensation to me. Like right now I am stuffed from one bell pepper filled with minced meat and some feta. Two months ago I would have had a huge portion of rice or potatoes with that, but not now. I am seriously amazed.
2. Lower blood sugar
I’m diabetic and two months ago, no matter what I did, despite injecting enough insulin and doing everything right my blood sugar was erratic, fluctuating all over the place and rarely going under 250 mg/dL. In the last two months in which I have eaten as little carbs and sugar as possible. I basically eat the amount of carbs I had in a day before, spread throughout a week or two. My sugar levels have been at 205 mg/dL once, every other time I measured it was between 100 and 180. It is still not a nondiabetic level, but duh. I am diabetic after all. But that is another amazing thing to me.
3. Emotional eating
I am an emotional eater. Be it sad, lonely, stressed, happy… whatever I eat. Or I should say ate. With my aching hip I felt pretty bad – still do because it’s still not pain-free, getting better though – and useless. I felt like a bother to my boyfriend who had to do everything for me, taking valuable time out of his busy work day (he works from home), which made me feel guilty and like crap. I cried so many times because of that. But not once I thought of raiding the fridge. That literally never happened before. It was my go to to make me feel better. But now it feels like I’m celebrating a victory over emotional eating. Well okay, it’s for now. I can’t predict the future and if it’ll creep back in, or tries to. But right now it makes me feel pretty darn good.
4. I want to move
I would have never thought I’d say this but I want to move. I am lazy af, seriously. Let alone that walking hurts, not only now, but also before because I do carry around over 200kg, try doing that for a day or even half an hour – I can’t. Well, now that my hip is acting up and I can basically either sit or lie in bed I have the strangest urges to move around. I have not done much in that regard anyway, but that bit of mobility I had left, I miss that tremendously. To me, that is a good sign of what will happen once I lose enough weight to be able to walk with not as much pain as now.
5. I am happier
I have been suffering from depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. And with every kilogram, I gained in the last decade it seemed to have become worse and worse. I have no doubt that part of my mental issues at least are weight related. The combined efforts of body and mind for having no energy, no drive, feeling down, hopeless and and and. Ever since I had made the conscious decision to do the surgery, I have started to feel better, happier. It is hard to describe. I think the closest would be that I am finally able to take control over my life and health. I tried many times before but always failed after a while. I have an outlook to a healthier life, to a longer life. The constant dread of ‘What if I die next year?’ has not popped up constantly anymore. Sure sometimes it still comes up, but by far not as much as only two months ago. I have not even lost 10 kilos so far, but alone having that outlook, being so close to getting there has changed something in my mind and I am amazed and grateful for that.
These are just a few things that I have noticed lately. This journey brings so many surprises and I want to write them down, to look at later to see where I came from, how it all started. A reminder why I wanted to do this in times when things get hard. And of course, I also wanted to share with you. 🙂