What happens if you ignore medical everything for years

I’ve been very quiet lately, not only here but everywhere. Partly it was because I got super busy, but also because I got sick and I fought with depression. Now I got a long medical update for you because you know what happens when you don’t take care of anything medical for years? It all piles up like crazy. And now that’s kicking my ass.

It started because I got a weird pain in my leg and it started to look bumpy and red. Me being a hero ignored it and thought it was just some random stuff like I bumped into something or I got a rash because of whatever is in the air here. I thought I can get rid of it myself and tried with mountain pine tonic which is supposed to help with blood circulation or hydrocortisone ointment, putting my legs up, cold and warm wraps and stuff like that. You know the stuff mum tells you to do when your legs hurt. But nothing worked, it got actually worse.

So after about 2 or 3 months I had one day of pain so strong I cried because I couldn’t take it anymore. It hurt when I sat, walked, slept, even when the super thin fabric of my pants brushed over it. It was swollen, hot and painful af. So my plan to go to the doctor if it wasn’t better on Monday, became the order to go the next morning. My doctor took a look and since it was a Friday at 10am she couldn’t take blood anymore. Because that was too risky she sent me to the hospital to make sure it wasn’t thrombosis. Well long story short: after 5 hours in the hospital filled with being prodded, poked and examined I got the diagnosis: Erysipelas. Wohoooo no thrombosis!

77oe4eguajfd1oesjpkx

That apparently is an acute infection caused by a streptococcus bacteria. That’s what I got for scratching my itching legs, or not being able to reach my feet for proper care and not cleaning the flat (which I wrote to you about before). So I got antibiotics and was ordered to rest my leg (which is hard when you gotta run from doctor to doctor) and to report back to my doctor the following Monday. So I did that and she wanted to draw some blood for a full on blood work because the hospital only had done a partial one to make sure I don’t have thrombosis.

When I got back the results the real work started. The numbers did not look too well. I have a too high cholesterol, my long-term blood sugar is waaaay too high, and whatever blood results show the infection was also still not low enough. So I was sent to a dermatologist for my leg which still hurt despite being MUCH better already. I then had to listen to a lecture about my blood sugar – which I already expected – and my cholesterol. But first things first.

The dermatologist took me off the antibiotics but prescribed compression socks because the weight I put on my legs is not helping the healing process. That was two weeks ago, I am still waiting for the socks. Health insurance has to OK them, which means that takes 10 days if I’m lucky and then because my legs are too big and I am too heavy for regular ones they have to special order them. Measurements were taken really fast, but I wish those things were here already. I am tired of the pain and swollen legs all the time. New bloodwork will be done in about 3 weeks to see how it came about. Until I get these socks I use iodine tincture on my leg to help out with the chance of it getting worse again.

Because of my high sugar results (6.7% – 7.5% is normal Hba1c, which is the long-term measurement, I am at 12.2%) I had to make an appointment with my diabetologist. Next open slot was in January, so I actually got on the search for a new diabetologist, because I seriously couldn’t wait that long. It was too pressing. And I feel super lucky that I have found one. I am going to make an extra post about what happened there because it was actually pretty special. But for now: I am taking care of it.

I also have an appointment for an eye doctor in a month. Haven’t had my eyes checked for like 15 – 20 years. Oh my.

The two weeks full of doctor visits have been exhausting. Not only because they generally are, but also because I had to get up early in the mornings, and walk there which to me is a whole day trip, because I am really bad on foot, even without the hurting leg. And having to go out among people, strangers and such is also exhausting for my anxiety. Right now it calmed down some. And I start to feel accomplished for actually taking care of myself.

Do you take care of yourself? Do you struggle with it? Did you ever have to catch up with all your medical appointments of a 5 year period in 2 weeks? Tell me your story and share your experiences down in the comments!

Doing it again

About a week ago two lovely friends of mine started to help me with this accountability thing. Every day I tell them how I did with my calories and I really don’t want to tell them that I went over. You know how that is with disappointing people you love. That means I started again to fill my food diary every day.

I am not sure how long it took, because my last weigh-in had been sometime in the week before that, but since then until now I have lost 3.5kg. And that makes me super excited!

Yesterday I dyed my hair so my muscles hurt like a mother from standing in that unusual position while bending over the shower to wash out the dye, so I can barely move. But after that I want to start to move again. Well slowly since that already had taken a lot ouf of me. When I walk from here across the hallway to the showers and back I am all powered out. So I’ll start with that hallway at least once a day and gradually step it up. My first goal is to be able to take these walks around the block again, which right now I can’t. And I know that if I start with that now, I will get so frustrated with it and myself that I’ll stop again.

So the start is done. On we go!

 

I suck

… and not in the good way. (Yes, I had to, sorry, not sorry.)

Well you might remember my post about excuses and my realization that I’m making them. I still do and more than ever, I think. I have completely dropped off the horse. And I am not actually giving myself reasons, so am I really making excuses? In any way… I have not put anything in my food diary. I have given a damn how much I eat and what and that’s awful. Have I given up?

I hope not, because I have a long way to go and I can’t just give up. I have always been a fighter and I still am. So why does it feel so tempting to just not give a f…fudgesickle? Maybe because it’s easier than to restrain myself and work for it?

Could anyone please move to Berlin and drag myself out on the streets for at least 15 minutes a day so I can at least complain about hurting muscles as a reason not to go out? I have to do something, but I just can’t be arsed. Depression makes it harder and this is not an excuse, it’s actually a fact. I’m having a hard time, but try to ignore it. Just doesn’t make things easier.

I have to give a damn. I have to get back up. I feel the mountain is too big to climb, maybe I’ll start with the first alpine hut instead of the mountain top. No too far… maybe the door of the flat for starters. Then the end of the hallway. Then to the staircase… babysteps. Maybe that’s less overwhelming and scary.

Maybe.

The truth hurts

For a long time I have made excuses for many things without even noticing I made them. It began as truthful explanations like that I couldn’t do something because it caused me big pain. It is still true but many times I use it to not even try.

It’s comfortable to have the right reason for not doing something. Because I know the pain that will come when I walk for 2 minutes I don’t even start. Because I think I will fall from the horse I stopped getting up on it’s back.

Two days ago I started writing down my food again. Day 1 went well. Today I went over a little and because of that my mind went all “well now I’m over anyway so I can eat more.” and I did… Another excuse.

It would be so easy just to blame something else. Genetics, other people, medicine, society, sickness,  depression…
Don’t get me wrong. Everything in this list is a valid reason.
But many times it is so much easier to use one of those reasons as an excuse instead of admitting that we fucked up. Which to be honest is really shitty for the times when these reasons are really the reason why things went wrong.

So today I’m standing (who am I kidding, I’m laying in bed) here and say that thing that hurts. The truth. I’m using excuses because I’m scared that if I try, I’ll fail. And not doing something because of fear of failing doesn’t give a damn that it causes auto-fail. It’s illogical like that.

So what to do next? Stop making excuses? Let’s be real. This shit is harder to beat than Muhammad Ali. To be honest, I have no clue. I’m stuck and haven’t the foggiest how to get out. No clue, no control, no anything. So all that is left is keep trying, I guess.

Fed up

I can’t even tell you how fed up with everything I am. I’m angry at food, calories, the world even though the later isn’t at fault at all. Mostly I’m angry at myself. For having eaten too much for days. For not having restraint and control over my eating habits. For trying and failing all the bloody time…

I want to become better,  healthy and at least a bit thinner but I keep messing it up.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Mirrors suck

I keep thinking that almost every time I go outside. So first let me say, not all mirrors are the enemy. I have exactly 1 mirror in my apartment, a really small one on face height that I do not see anything but my face in. I like my face mostly so that one can stay.

But when I go outside I walk along a hallway right ahead towards a really big glass front, which shows my reflection as soon as it is dim lit outside. Then the lift to go down has a full wall mirror at the side, and stepping out of it the house door is glass as well.

When I went down to get our mail, I was in the lift two times and gosh I was getting really depressed. To not see that mirror reflection i have to stand with the back to it, facing the operation panel, which usually is not a problem but I often in a reflex stand facing the door and then I see it in the corner of my eye and can’t ignore it. I looked at myself and all I could see was this huge pile of fat. Rolls showed clearly under my shirt, in the back in the front, all around, under my chin, my arms: everywhere.

I honestly felt disgusted by looking at myself. That has not stopped yet, though had been like 4 days ago. Problem is that when I get depressed and disgusted like that, I get obviously emotional and I’m an emotional eater. So the last few days I went a “bit” overboard eating wise again, despite my best intention to watch it again. So much for that.

So those who know that kind of situation know, just as me, that telling me to not do it and that this makes it worse…. it doesn’t work! I know that already. Not saying anything new. That’s the thing. I know all the good things, the benefits, the how tos. But if it were that easy everyone would be healthy and thin. Just saying.

So at the moment I’m still struggling and really do not want to see another mirror in my life.