Surgery is in less than 5 full days. And I am so very anxious and fear is creeping back in. Yesterday I saw a post of the lovely Lacy Lange on Facebook that gave me a lot to think. Funny how it popped up on my wall just when I really needed it.
Let me tell you a bit about myself, that you might or might not know.
I have been overweight since I was like 5 years old. The first time a doctor told me about surgery and asked if I would consider it I was 18. Now that has been 20 years ago. Weight Loss surgery was way different back then and it was less routine, less safe, less proven. The thought of surgery alone was so scary that I carried that fear with me for these last 20 years. And many other fears crept in in that time. Fear of failure, fear of not making it, fear of disappointing myself or those who love me and many many more.
These fears have held me back so badly, I realized how many fear layers are clouding my view by now. Many things that seem normal to other people I didn’t do out of fear. Like I don’t go outside out of fear of the looks of people seeing that fat sweaty pig in public. One would think that after such a long time, over 30 years of being overweight, I would have gotten used to it, but no I haven’t. My skin got thicker, but it’s not made of metal. A lot still gets to me.
But fear has stopped me from doing things for a very long time.
So when it came to the decision if I want to have surgery or not it was hard, very hard. One does not just overcome 20 years of fears. One of the things that swayed me, in the end, was another fear, one that was stronger. That fear was founded in the medically sound estimation of not getting more than 5 – 10 more years of life due to the side effects of my morbid weight.
Ever since I made the decision I was at peace with it. Now I know it was just the whole ‘It’s far away’ thinking. Now it’s only days away and fears keep creeping up, dreams are unsettling and I am anxious up to 11. Despite the bigger fear driving me to do this, surgery is not without risks. And everything after will be a HUGE change. I am scared shitless. My dear friend Jessica said, that she would be surprised if I weren’t anxious and nervous. And she is right.
So right now I am keeping myself sane by telling myself that these doctors know what they are doing, that they have been doing this for a long time with many many patients and that the upsides of this surgery outweigh the small possibility of something bad happening.
After over 30 years of living in fear and letting it stop me, I refuse to do that any longer. I refuse to live for a fear of something that has not happened yet. So Monday will be here soon and my new life will begin. It won’t be without challenges, it won’t be without scary moments, but going with Lacy’s post, I will no longer embrace this fear and letting it stop me from living my life.
F.U. Fear, I’m getting my life back.